Setting Non-Negotiables To Change Your Habits and Change Your Life
You may have heard of the term non-negotiable before. Maybe it was when your parent grounded you when you were 15 and going out with friends was "non-negotiable". Or maybe, like me, you learned about it in a popular self help book or two.
Simply put, a non-negotiable is something that is a dead and done deal. It's not open to discussion, no excuses.
And if you're really ready to change your habits and change your life to align with your values and priorities, you need to set non-negotiables. Trust me, you're not going to get anywhere by being wishy-washy with your goals and priorities.
Time to kick your butt into gear, figure out what really matters to you, and put your foot down about it.
First, determine your current priorities.
This doesn’t mean “I eat a lot of salads, so health is a current priority for me” or “I love my partner so my relationship is a current priority to me.”
Where are your priorities actually at, at this very moment in time? You gotta figure this out based on cold hard evidence. Break down your daily and weekly routines. Where are the most hours spent? The least? How do these things serve you? How do some of them actually hinder you?
Match all these things to priorities.
For example, if you’re sacrificing sleep to the point where it hinders you or sacrificing self care to tend to the needs of work or someone else, then health is unfortunately a low priority for you right now. If you’re spending so much time responding to emails off the clock that it’s affecting your relationship, then work is a higher priority for you right now.
And maybe that’s okay with you - maybe your career is simply more important to you right now.
The important thing here is to simply take inventory, without judging yourself. We’ll talk about alignment in the next step. For now just be honest with yourself as you determine where all your time is going.
It might help to take a minute to check in with your screen time. Your phone likely already has all this data - on iPhone you can find it under Screen Time. How much time is spent on your phone? Doing what? What apps do you use the most? What priorities do they line up with?
Where do you want your priorities to be?
Don’t align these priorities with what you think you should want, but with what actually matters to you right now in this season of your life.
There's lots of societal standards and family standards of what "should" matter most to you especially if you're a woman (ie family first, career second). But your life is going to be full of stages, and it's okay if your goals right now don't line up with society's goals for you (or your mother's goals for you, or whoever else thinks they know what is best for you).
Also keep in mind that just because something is a priority to you right now doesn’t mean it’s cemented that way for life. Maybe career is really important to you right now, but that doesn’t mean it's always going to be at the top of your list.
The same goes for the reverse situation - maybe building a strong foundation of a relationship is more important to you right now than work. That's okay - whatever it is, it doesn’t need to align with anyone else’s values but your own.
Everyone is going through their own seasons of life. Allow yourself to pursue what you’re passionate about right now. Your priorities will shift and shift back continuously over time, so keep checking in with yourself as you move forward.
And if you have mixed feelings about a priority and if it's aligned with your values, make a good old fashioned Rory Gilmore pros and cons list. Sounds cheesy but do it anyway.
Start shifting your habits to align with your priorities
Once you figure out where you want your priorities to be, determine how you can shift your current routines and habits to align with them. Where can you take the time spent on a lower priority and spend it on a higher priority?
And I don’t just mean think about it. Saying “I’m going to spend more time with my family” or “I’m going to stop going out so much” isn’t going to cut it.
You need to actually schedule that time in. Because the thing is, your current habits are already established, and slipping back into them is going to feel as natural as breathing.
Take a chunk of time that usually goes towards a lesser priority and SCHEDULE IN time for your higher priority. Put it in your phone. Set a reminder with a notification. Put a time limit for apps on your phone. Set a timer for the things that are lesser priorities and only work on them for that set amount of time. Buy a cute calendar with puppies or succulents or hot firemen on it and schedule. your. priority. dates.
If career is a priority right now, maybe you need to sacrifice a few Friday nights going out. Schedule those nights in, and let your friends know you're not available on those days.
If your friendships are a bigger priority right now, set a time to clock off for good on Fridays and stick to it.
Set Your Non-Negotiables
To really cement these new habits in, you need to set non-negotiables. And yes, this step is non-negotiable.
Non-negotiables are just that - rules and boundaries you set that are absolutely non-negotiable. No excuses, you stick to them and you make sure you and the people around you respect the boundaries of them.
For example, some non-negotiables you are (hopefully) already familiar with are washing your hands after you go to the bathroom or brushing your teeth every morning.
You don't really stop to think "should I or shouldn't I?" you just do it. It's a habit by now.
A family time non-negotiable could be that you don’t take work calls or answer emails off the clock. Transitions like this might be difficult at first; If you’re someone that always answers the phone, people are going to expect that. They are going to call you, and it's up to you to change their expectations.
Remember, you teach people what to expect from you. Make it clear to the people in your life that you're going to stick to these resolutions. Soon enough, they'll learn to expect them from you.
Other non-negotiable examples:
I will not go on social media while I’m spending time with my partner.
I will work out every day for at least 20 minutes.
I will take the time to eat a healthy breakfast every morning.
I will take a walk every day, even if it’s only 5 minutes.
I will take a self care day, (or morning, or hour) every single week.
Create Accountability
Don’t trust yourself to stick to it?
Reach out to a friend or someone else to check in with you regularly and see how you’re doing. If you’re not going to go on social media while your spending time with your partner, tell them and let them call you out when you break that non-negotiable.
Transitions can be tough, but it won’t be tough forever. Habits need time to become established, so stick to it and eventually these good habits will become as natural as your current habits.